The Ask Nash Archives

Because 9 outta 10 Slam EviL! Fans have no clue we make movies!

X writes: Do you have any good recipes for boiling guinea pigs?

Call me kooky, but I'm pretty sure the only ingredients for boiling a guinea pig is.... well,
a fucking guinea pig, a pot, some water, and an open flame or oven. As far as
expounding on the recipe, I really cant say. Just depends on your individual tastes...I'm
a pasta kind of guy, so I tend to use a lot of noodles, but that's just me...I'm a fucking
wap, whadaya expect. Just experiment till ya find something ya like, not like the little
balls of fur really contribute to society or anything.
Wonders if eating a guinea pig would make him a cannibal in some sort of way.... Nash

Blasted writes:  If you had the choice of getting a BJ from an awesomely beautiful
woman, or fucking one really ugly whore, which would you choose? Personally, I think
I'd go for the BJ to curb some raging STD, but I want your opinion on the subject.

Depends on how much money the ugly whore had. Don't get me wrong, if I had to
choose between Hottie mouth fucking, or bumping Uglies with the Fugly, I would
definitely go the over the lips, and through the gums route. But, if the Sasquatch was
loaded down with a couple million bucks, I might just have to go down that long, dark
road....daddy could always use a new Rolex.
Maybe people aren't taught to be bad, maybe people are born bad, and taught to be
good....Nash

Desperate Housewife writes: I am writing to tell you my problem. it seems i have been
married to a sex maniac for the past 22 yrs. He makes love to me regardless of what I
am doing ironing, washing dishes, sweeping etc. I would like to knowif there is
anything you can ...........................................OH NO HE GOT ME AGAIN! HELP!!!!!

Well Boo fucking Hoo....22 years of marriage and he still wants to ravish
you...wow...what a fucking dilema youve got.....Well, if your Pussy self, needs a pussy
break, I got a real simple solution to your problem. The next time he decides he needs
a little TLC, just punch him square in the dick. Yes...I said it, punch him right in his
Yogurt Slinger. Not only will that IMMEDIATELY kill any desire to poke your pork, but
chances are, he's probably gonna be somewhat upset, and will not even talk to your
Bitch-ass for quite awhile. This way you can get back to wearing flannel, listening to
Melissa Etheridge, and start work on your sweet mullet.....
Thinks he's gonna be lucky to live another 10 years, let alone fucking in 22...Nash

Tom Jones writes: I need to throw them off my trail or else the little people will win the
war. Help me.

Dammit Tom!!!! I told you to make sure that you weren't being followed....FUCK!!! OK
ok...mustn't panic. Things can still go as planned. Here's what ya do. I'll still meet you at
the rendezvous point, just make sure your not followed this time you Tool. Don't forget
to bring those items I told you about, and just in case you forgot. 1.) A Step ladder 2.)
The right foot of a chicken...very important that it's the right 3.) An uncorrupted rod of
Plutonium 4.) A Flux Capacitor. If you don't have all of these items, don't bother
showing your face again, because without them, I cannot finish our plans!
Doing everything he can to crush the Little People Resistance! Nash

Sol Badguy writes: I've heard rumors of a Ask Nash Movie in the works. Any comments
on this inevitable uber success?

It'd be news to me. Hell, we at Slamevil productions are still working on A Slamevil
Christmas. Not sure exactly how an Ask Nash movie would work to begin with...I mean,
how fuckin exciting could it be, to watch me type answers to all of my reader's
questions....s'pose I could type naked, but why do something that I normally do
anyways. Nah, I'd like to get the Christmas movie finished first, before anything else
happens.
Slamevil Christmas will be finished!!!....I swear with all my black little heart!  Nash

Bayou Billy writes: Why don't they ever remake any good games? I mean fuck, they
redid Ninja GayDude or whatever it's called.

Hey!!! Ninja Gaiden was an awesome video game series. Although they didn't have
"sweet" moments like punching an alligator to death...seriously...punching, or the
"thrill" of using the old school NES zapper gun to blast a helicopter, the Ninja Gaiden
series was by FAR the better. Which reminds me....where the fuck do you get off
calling one of my fellow Ninjas gaydude? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong
with being gay. They've got enough shit to worry about from rednecks, and the fact
that Jesus hates them. It's just not for me. To be totally honest...your the one in a vest
with no shirt, with your jeans tucked into your boots....Maybe you should consider
changing your name from Bayou Billy, to Backdoor Billy...just a thought.
When Chuck Norris goes to bed, he checks his closet for Ryu Hayabusa. Nash

Jules writes: Seriously, there ain't a country called "What?", is there? It'd be a shame
to be sayin' my shit this whole time if there was. PS, to answer your question, of course
I know what was in the briefcase, but if you knew, you'd realize that the not knowing is
what made it so amazing. You're just gonna have to trust me
Wants a sip of yo' tasty beverage to wash this burger down, Jules

Nah man...last I heard there wasn't a country called What. So yer cool, doin what you've
been doin. Which means, Motherfucker get your bugeyed-ass back on brain detail,
before I have to call the Wolf, to figure out what to do with your dead ass!...and No,
you can't have a sip of my tasty beverage!!
He can quote the Bible too...ahem..
"The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that
is in us and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods
of light and life no longer flow into our souls"(Exodus 23:20) Nash

D writes: how do you skin a cat that has already been skinned?

Well D, you silly goose...you don't skin a cat that's already skinned...you fuck it of
course. Why else would ya skin it in the first place, if you hadn't planned on fucking
it!!??It's just sick and wrong, to go and skin a perfectly good cat, if you had no
intentions of fucking it....what kind of sicko are you??
Knows exactly what to do with bald pussy....Nash

I put a secret message here. Hehehe!

Your Mom writes: They are all laughing at you. All of them - they are laughing at you.
They won't stop. You know what you have to do.

Yes, I know this...and it's fucking great!!! I appreciate all you sick fucks out there, that
continue to make this column possible. So if y'all keep laughing, and sending in
questions. I'll keep sodomizing the written word, here in my Ask Nash section =)
Your humble servant...or your S&M Master...whichever makes you hard, Nash

Bizzaro Nash writes: Jesus rules! You should accept him as your personal lord and
savior, Nash. Then you wouldn't be such a depressing jagoff.
Also - buy more Backstreet Boys music.
Lastly - quit masturbating - you will go blind

Goddammit!!...why the hell didn't I choke your ass out with my umbilical cord in the
womb....Yes people, I have a "Good" twin. For your information Biz, I'm not
depressing. Whenever I write about murder/suicide/perverse sexual acts, you
should see the enormous smile on my face....or the enormous erection in my pants.
Either way, you would know immediately this is the shit that makes my day. Second,
fuck the Backstreet Boys, fuck them right in the ear. They're just another example of
soulless, big music moguls, cranking out clones for the teenage girls of America to
go out and buy they're merchandise to lay on their bed and masturbate with. If I were
to bump into the ' Boys in the street I would be cordial until they mentioned anything
about the "music" they make...then I would probably snap. I would grab the closest
one to me, break his arm into a compound fracture, and then proceed to stab him,
and the rest of his lovers to death with the jagged, protruding arm bone.
Finally, I'm already gonna go blind due to diabetes...Ive made my peace with
that...and even if I wasn't, id still jack off every chance I get...but we need better
stroke mags here in America..I need variety. I mean shit like Hustler, Playboy, and
Toys R Us catalogs are great, but I need a change of pace every once in awhile. So
please Biz...do me a favor, and just straddle a mailbox full of explosives...once
again...something that would make me smile =)
Waiting for the Special Olympics to come out with a Swimsuit Edition magazine....Nash

Ian of Arabia writes: I have this myspace page, and I'm thinking of bumping this one
person from the Top 8 - we'll call her Smellie. At any rate, Smellie is taking some
serious offense to this shit - should I consider her feelings, or should I ask myself
why I give a rat's ass?
You were my favorite Village Person,
Ian of Arabia

Well Ian, it seems like there is only one reason why she would take offense to this,
bumping of the Top 8....she wants your One-eyed yogurt slinger. If she didn't want
you parking your car, in her garage, she probably wouldn't say anything about it. So
the real question falls on you. Do you continue to play hard to get, establishing
yourself as the mean-ass that women want, or do you put her as your #1 friend,
thereby letting her know that you want to plunder her booty? Either way, your still a
douche, because you never write me.
Because not even a hardened Assassin can resist Hostess Fruit Pies. Nash

devilsdaughter writes:  why is it that ian wants so desperately to bump me from his
top 8 when all i ever am is nice to him????.....just look at the comments i send to
him!!!

Can't you see why he's doing this? This is all a ploy to get into your pants. Ian
apparently has discovered the same thing I have over the years. Nice guys finish
last. You see, he's trying to be aloof, and mebe even a little mean, so that you
succumb to his every desire. Women throughout history have always fallen for the
bad guy. I started out being the nice guy, and you  know what it got me? Blue balls
and about a million girl "friends"...meanwhile, the guy that rides the Harley and puts
out cigarettes on his arm is fucking the Prom Queen on the back of his hog. So
several years ago I swore to myself that I would never be that way again. After I
made my little decision, I started approaching women in a whole new way. If I saw a
woman that I was attracted to, I would walk straight up to her, and without saying a
word, I would punch her in the face. Of course, this would catch her off guard, but
with one little swing of my fist, I established a number of different things. It let her
know I was attracted to her. It showed that I was a hardcore bad ass. It showed that
she really needed to focus her attention on me, lest I would have to repeat myself.
Now I'm a chick magnet....
Never has to worry about eating burnt eggs...
Nash