ANA9

C. Strife writes: I need some relationship advice. I got two girls that are in love
with me, and honestly, I can't decide between the two. One's a flat-chested
flower girl I barely know who's been following me around like a love sick puppy
ever since I crashed through her roof, and the other is my best friend since
childhood, who just happens to be a fine ass kickboxer with cleavage you could
ski off of. I can't decide. Please help! Oh yeah, and the first girl's been dead for
a few years now. Holla back!

Well, it all depends on what your really into in the end. If you enjoy S&M, large
titties, and getting the shit kicked outta you on a regular basis, then choose Tifa.
If necrophilia, tiny-titties, and weird dreams are you thing, go with Aeris. I for
one would go with Aeris...but then again, I dig girls that are low maintenance,
and don't talk alot....
Yes he knew their names, because FF VII was the shiznit!!!!! Nash

Neither is Mario...he's a fucking video game character. Besides, as an Italian
myself, I think I can speak for all Italians, when I say we would never name
anyone Jumpman. Fuck, what happened?? Was Speedwalkman, and
Breatheinthroughthenoseoutthemouthman already taken? Damn, it must have
sucked to be you growing up.
Just because Italians only think about sex, and violence,that doesn't make us
stupid...that makes us fun. Nash

Kung-Fu Master of all Silence writes: ...... ....... ... ....... ......... ...... ..... ....... ......
.......... ......................
.............................................................................................................................................
......?

Durick the Elven Ninja writes: I was scanning the slamevil website and came
across the movie clips and thought i was looking in a mirror, well almost, first
off whoever you got playing me, his acting sucks. Let's not mention that he
can't fight worth a shit. But my question is Where is my check for Slamevil using
my likeness?

First off, your not Durick. I am Durick. The character was created by KSV,
specifically for this movie. Second, if you look like me, how the hell did you ever
find time to sit down and type out this question, without hordes of women
jumping on you, and trying to force sex. Ive learned how to deal with this,
through many trials and errors. Not gonna argue my acting skills....they suck.
The fighting skills your talking about, are purely for the movie. I would NEVER
fight fair in real life. The moment I sense that I'm in danger of getting hit, I start
searching my surroundings for a weapon, with witch I would not hesitate to
show someone their insides...make no mistake, I'm fucking evil =) Finally, about
your check......GET FUCKED!!!!!
Neener, Nash

ill never tell writes: WHO THE FUCK IS JAY?? I've never seen this person
though, it seems he really does exist. I hear you must get 100 coins, regain all
the chaos emeralds, and defeat ruby and emerald weapon just to unlock this
character. Is He really the king of all weak-ass fighters?? I have heard the
legends but I turn to you, the ALL-KNOWING NASH for the truth behind this
myth. Is he for real??

Jay is actually a clone of Dr. Vern gone array. While Vern himself might deny
this, the evidence is all to clear. The love of professional wrestling, the long
hair, the endless hours spent immersing themselves in the world of video
games...They're virtually identical in every way...well, except for the fact that
Jay enjoys giving oral sex to strange men in public restrooms, whereas Vern
strictly enjoys receiving oral from strange men in public restrooms.
Would like to go to a bathroom in a park just one time, without hearing the
sound of a boot stuck in mud, only wetter, coming from the handicap stall. Nash

Me Again writes: I'm back. I'm sure you remember me from last time. Well, I took
your advice and told her everything, but she didn't do what you said she
would. Instead, she ended up hiding them from me. If I don't find them, I'll
never get back in time. What should I do?

OK, this is yet another one of those instances where everything is just about
as clear as fucking mud to me. I love all my faithful Ask Nash
participants....well, maybe love is too strong a word, let's say fond of their
genitalia. Either way, you've gotta realize Ive answered almost 80 questions
since me and KSV started this whole Ask Nash business.I truly have no
fucking clue as to what your talking about. But that doesn't mean I don't have
an answer for ya. If she has taken something of yours, take something of
hers....like a kidney for instance. When she wakes up in that bathtub full of ice,
with that zig-zag of stitches across her back, I'm willing to bet she'll hand over
anything you want, with the promise of the return of her kidney. If she tries to
be cool about it, and still wont return your items, then just calmly remind her,
that Father beans are in season, and you have a nice bottle of Kiante waiting
at home. Should only be a matter of time after that.
Makes Hannibal Lector look like Mr. Rogers on Prozac, Nash

I hate you.....Have you ever had sugar-free ice cream?? It tastes like the
condensation that collects on the sides of good ice creams. It's like
consuming the ghost of something that you know should taste good. There
are a few exceptions out there, but they're either really hard to find, or Hella
expensive....and I just cant justify spending more on ice cream, than on my
Friday night, downtown, alleyway BJ.
Thinks it could be worse...instead of being Diabetic, he could be named
"Tails"...Nash

Future Nash writes: Hey, other self! I'm you 10 years from the future! It's
illegal to try to use time travel to alter the past, but I have to chance it. Next
week you and the wife are going out to TGIFridays. Don't order the soup,
whatever you do. Let's put it this way, I wish my dick worked as well as my
pancreas. Oh, and I'm sure you'd like to know that the future wife and kids
are doing fine, it's just too bad that after KSV finishes his movie, we lose him
to scientology.
Debating whether or not to suggest you give some soup to MCSean, Nash

Hmmmm, well met future self, I'll keep that in mind. At least there's some
good news. KSV finishing the movie in 10 years is ALOT sooner than I had
expected. If we don't get to filming again soon, were going to be seeing alot
less Durick the Elven Ninja, and alot more of Durick theCrochety Walker
Jockey....
Realizes how much the afterlife would suck if Scientology WAS the one true
religion...Nash

Yes, he stays a werewolf fulltime...but the drawback is that he stays PMSing
fulltime as well. Look, I don't make the rules, I just follow them....and
sometimes bend them to my will.
Is a werewolf himself in certain situations.....Nash

Ducky writes: I got a friend who's afraid of Danny Devito. Apparently, he
kidnapped her in a dream, and now she can't be reasoned with. I try to
explain to her that the real Danny Devito would likely never kidnap a small
child, but nothing helps. What's your advice? PS, I'm not making up the
friend part to cover my own ass. I personally am afraid of Boobahs, but I
think that's normal.

Well, you would be wrong friend. Danny Devito is a known child eater. It's
all part of his curse you see. A long time ago, Danny kicked a leprechaun at
a local bar, in turn the Leprechaun placed a terrible curse upon him. The
once 6ft, tall bodybuilder, was transformed almost instantly into the short,
pudgy, weeble-wobble we see today. Through the years, Danny discovered
the only way to reverse the curse, was to eat children. So make sure your
children sleep tight, and don't let the Danny Devitos bite...
Kicked a Leprechaun once...but had the right mind to snap it's neck before
any magic went flying, Nash

Orb Cummins writes: Recently, there was an auction on Ebay for a
"Leprechaun Flute" that would magically summon leprechauns to do one's
bidding. My question is: What the hell is a "Flute"? My fellow leprechauns
& I have never heard of such a thing.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Apparently a Flute is something used in sexual acts during what awkward
teens call "Band Camp" Rather than direct their sexual awakenings
towards boys of the same age, teenage girls in this camp find that it's
easier to express these new feelings by inserting Flutes into each others
vag's.....don't ask, Ive no fucking clue as to why either. Sure flutes have a
length advantage on most teenage boys...(present writer excluded of
course), but wouldn't ya think that all those keys, and holes would be a
very dangerous "snag" factor. I mean fuck, how would ya explain that one
away...shit...Ive just had a vision of another Ask Nash question.....
Was Head Band Nerd for his High school for 2 years....and is still damn
proud of it! Nash