Angel1

We all know her as Angel, Co-Founder of Dr. Vern&Co. (Not to mention Death in the upcoming
blockbuster A Slam EviL! Christmas.) But does anyone know the truth about the life she had prior to
all this? Ah, I didn't think so. I suppose in all your pig-headed ignorance you would just write her off
as some mere mortal whose life is no different than ours. Hah! You did, didn't you? You have no idea
of the epic tale of Angel's origin! On the other hand, neither do I, but since I'm pretty good at figuring
this stuff out, I'll be your guide on this amazing journey.
Angel was born Angelinar the Beautiful, in a world where people were not born with last names, but
rather personality traits that would hopefully apply later in life. A good example of how this could go
wrong was her old high school buddy, Samallvilla the Ravishing, who was far from that. By the time
she had blossomed into a young woman, she weighed 493lbs and had a lazy eye, and I don't care what
alternate reality you're from, that's nasty! Samallvilla was always jealous of Angelinar, but Angelinar
always thought the best of people and failed to notice. This only caused Samallvilla's hatred to grow,
until one day she could contain it no longer, and attempted to murder Angelinar. Well, obviously it
would be silly to assume that the attack was successful. That's the one thing I hate about prequels,
you already know the ending. Fortunately for our lovely heroine (she's my boss, I gotta butter her up),
the king taught her how to fight, and he did it well (Yeah, screw it. She's a princess, too.) I'd give more
details on how the fight went, but I wanna save my combat material for my next story. So, basically she
won. Despite being spared by Angelinar, Samallvilla only despised her more for winning (she's just a
very angry person, I guess.) She disappeared into the woods, vowing to return one day.
Flash forward 5 years. Angelinar's destiny is realized on one magical day when she inherits the power
of the throne, following the end of the King's second term. Angelinar and her trusty servant Johnny
the Loyal and Certainly Not Hiding Anything, make preparations for the inaugural ceremony.
Yes, it all seemed so perfect. All of her family and friends were there. She gave her "I Promise Not to
Enslave the Nation or Kill You All" speech and got a standing ovation. Hell, they even had some party
goers singing karaoke and nobody did that Godawful song "Picture." It was a wonderful day, and the
best was still yet to come. After the traditional topless Jell-O (tm) wrestling tournament ended, it was
finally time to place the crown on Angelinar's head.

Now, I find myself saying quite often that
nothing is ever easy. And wouldn't you know
it, but who else would prove me right again
but Johnny. That's right, that jerk Johnny
ruined the ceremony by cold-cocking the
king and stealing the crown.
"Why, Johnny, why?" Angelinar cried.
"Bah, I'm tired of you calling me that slave
name." Johnny defiantly responded.
"Henceforth, I shall only be called by my
real name, Samallvilla!"
Angelinar gasped in disbelief, but it all made
sense. Samallvilla disappeared after the
fight, where she used powerful magic to
change her gender and mascarade as a