KoW

-Ok, ok check this out, right? .......Nah, on second thought, I shouldn't
start with that. Nothing good ever starts with that phrase. Nobody
ever says "Ok, ok check this out, right? I'm gonna buy you an ice
cream sandwich." No, it's always something you would never agree
to, like "Ok, ok check this out, right? I'm gonna coldcock you and fuck
you in the ass while you're unconscious." I'll be right back. That ice
cream sandwich sounds really good.

-So anyway, I'm taking a shit last night, right? It was one of those
ones that feels like excruciating agony for a short period of time,
followed by a plop and a zen-like rush. Ah, the memory still lingers.
Anyway, after I'm done, I look in the bowl (I've done it all my life, but
never wondered why until now that I just typed it.) and am shocked at
the sheer size of it. I could've easily worn it as a belt. Well, other than
the whole breaking apart and smearing bit, not to mention the smell.
It'd have to be hard picking up chicks wearing a- Focus, Mike, focus!
My first thought was that I had to get a picture of this thing. It had to
be some kind of accomplishment. But I then came to my senses and
realized that no one would be interested in such things. It was then
that I discovered the origin of the phrase "I don't give a shit."

-Speaking of shit, I've always wondered something. Shit itself is made
of everything your body doesn't use because it's bad for you. And
everything that's bad for you tastes good. So shouldn't shit be the
most delicious thing on the planet? Y'know, to everybody. Not just
Germans. Fuckin' Germans! They all creep me out. Every time I'm
watching a porno and a German guy shows up in it, I know something
weird's gonna happen. I've learned to just take my dick out of the
hole in the couch, yank the remote outta my ass, and cut my losses.

-The next one won't be about shit, I promise.

-The phrase "My old man" can mean two things. It is a reference to
either your husband or your father, proving that the phrase
originated in the south.

-What's the deal with that whole "Black people all love fried chicken"
stereotype? Who the fuck don't love fried chicken? I'm as white as
the new Nintendo DS Lite (shameless plug) and I loves me some fried
chicken. I mean c'mon! Regular chicken tastes great anyway, and
fried chicken adds a bunch of shit that even tastes better than the
bird itself. Also, have you ever had to deal with a live chicken? My
old man (by that I mean my Dad, I'm not married.) had several, and
they are the most annoying fucking animals on the planet (seeing as
how Jakovosaurs aren't real). Every time I get a bucket of KFC, the
best part is knowing on of those things is dead. All I'm saying, my
fellow whiteys, is that y'all shouldn't be hatin'! All y'all niggas love
fried chicken! Wait, did I just say - Aw, fuck!

-Fuck me if Rumplestilskin ain't the dumbest sombitch that ever
lived! Think about it. First off, look at all the shit he goes through to
get some chick's first born. I have no idea how to turn straw into
gold, but give me twenty dollars and a perforated jimmy hat and I'll
knock a bitch up in three minutes! (Yeah, I said three minutes. I'm not
a shitty lay, I'm an efficient one.) Then to make matters worse, he had
this chick where he wanted her. The only way his "brilliant" scheme
could be undone was if she could figure out his name. Unfortunately,
his late night ritual of dancing around a camp fire screaming his
name out turned an impossible piece of guesswork into a no-brainer.
Don't think that's retarded as hell? Next time you run through the
mall, screaming out your social security number, let me know in
advance.

-Okay, okay. See, this one time me and a buddy were leaving the
movies when we realized a liverspot was tailing us. Yes, I said
liverspot! Elderly is too P.C. Old person is too yesterday. From now
on, you're liverspots! Deal with it, ya future corpses! Anyway, me and
my friend turned and asked the prune soaked in formaldehyde what
she wanted. "I'm sorry, I just had to pretend I was with you guys.
Those negros over there scared me." she said as she pointed to two
completely non-threatening looking black guys about a couple of
blocks away, getting into their car and not acknowledging us at all.
So I look at her and say "Oh, hey. No problem. NOW GIMME YOUR
FUCKING PURSE!!!" Now I naturally didn't take the moldy skid mark's
purse, but there was fear in her heart that moment, and a lesson she
remembered for the rest of her life........which was probably like, a
week or so....fuckin' liverspots!

-I got this buddy that's all homophobic and stuff, right? One of my
favorite things to do with those types is freak them out by acting gay.
It's real easy. Only problem is he figured out a way to turn it around
on me by acting gayer. That worked pretty good for a while till I acted
even gayer than that. Man, I tell ya, I'm not looking forward to it, but
we're eventually gonna end up fuckin'. Oh well, I call dibs on
catcher.....wait a minute, which one's the one that - No, wait! Pitcher,
pitcher! I meant pitcher! Fuckin A, it's probably too late now!

-We need a 27th letter in the alphabet, so that I can finally figure
out how to spell (makes noise that currently can't be spelled). Hmm, if
I can't spell it, I should at least be able to...I got it! It's the noise you
make when you give a raspberry. Not one of our 26 letters come
close to spelling that sound. Write your local congressman and
demand the 27th letter.